Maria goes to a Tuesday night Mo Group. She’s been going for a few months now since the leader met her at church and invited her. She’s 37 and has two children. Her daughter is in 7th grade and her son in 5th. She’s been divorced now for about 3 years and had badly wanted to be married again. She recently met a man whom she’s dated for a month and a half now and as a mo group leader you’ve heard her make comments that lead you to assume that he has been staying at her house a lot. You are not sure where she is spiritually. If asked if she was a Christian, she’d probably say yes, but she was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church, and since high school hasn’t gone to church much.
About a month ago you started to feel some coldness from her, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. You decided to keep an eye on her and see if there’s anything going on. The following week, you were doing announcements as usual and mentioned an upcoming church-wide service project. You said that you were going to go and encouraged the group to do the same. After that announcement, Maria glanced over to Jen sitting next to her and you heard her say mockingly, “Serve, serve, serve, that’s all they ever talk about, whatever happened to caring for people?” Group continued normally but Maria’s comment stuck in your mind.
A few days later you called her to debrief. You got her answering machine. You tried again the night before Mo Group only to receive her machine again. She wasn’t at group. The next day you received this e-mail and are now trying to figure out what to do next.
“You probably won’t see me coming to Mo Group anymore. I am very angry at you and how you’re leading our group. You and your husband have such a perfect life and it makes me so jealous! You don’t know what it’s like to have my life and wish you were married! Isn’t our church supposed to be about caring, but the main pastor’s hardly ever said two words to me and instead you’re our mo group leader and I don’t think you’ve even gone to seminary! And as a leader, all you ever talk about is serving and all the things we need to be doing. I had a hard time not cussing you out when you asked us to serve two weeks ago. A lot of us in the group are hurting and you have the nerve to ask us to serve. There is no way I’ll be coming to that service project. I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, I won’t be coming back to our Mo Group but I’ll probably see you on Sunday. Regards, Maria.”
5 comments:
This is a tough one. But, we'll all face it, if we haven't already.
Run! (kidding) It sounds like there is a misunderstanding in the roles the leaders/church are supposed to or expected to play. I suppose talking with her about the role of the church and her part in it, and that serving contributes to HER relationship with God would be helpful. But I would definitely be consulting a coach and/or other leaders before talking with her. I would also want to talk with the group since she said that others feel uncared for. You do want to feel that Mo group is a caring/safe/loving environment, however it sounds like this person/people are expecting it to be more of a service to them, where they're not so much willing to do things on their own--or as a group (like serve) that would be beneficial to them. So maybe talking with them about their own roles in the group and what it is in place for may be a good reminder. I personally would be asking the coach about my own boundaries here too. I tend to get pretty invested and want to fix everything, but how much IS a leader expected to take on in a situation like this? I would want to help but would be concerned that I have no training as a counselor, and have not been in this woman's shoes. It sounds like she's looking for love and help, but can the leaders realistically solve her problems to the extent that she wants them to?
I would really try hard to have a face-to-face meeting with her. People tend to hide behind email. I would consider having my coach in the face-to-face meeting as well if it gets extremely difficult to arrange the meeting. I would try to remember to have grace with Maria (although very hard!) because she doesn't get the Jesus stuff/serving others yet. I would also try to evaluate if I have done a good job as a leader to teach them to care for each other -- maybe I haven't done a good job of portraying the vision of what a MoGroup is supposed to be. (or maybe I have done a good job and she's just mean) ha
I agree with Leah about trying to clear up what roles a small group leader/members play. Perhaps in the conversation, think with Maria of ways we can care for each other... putting responsibility on the whole group and not just the leader.
It seems like there's a lot going on with Maria. One question I was thinking is, "Is Maria dealing with any sin in her life?" My father-in-law works at a college and would talk about how students would come to him and say they don't believe in God anymore to which he would reply, "Stop sleeping with your boyfriend." (Of course not straight up like that.) That's always stuck with me. I wonder if Maria is feeling convicted about her life and it really has little to do with the Mo Group Leader.
Just one thought.
Hi Gang,
I agree with all that was said already...I am also very sad for this person because they are hurting in a big way. And like Leah said, I would definently bring in the thoughts and support of my coach.
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